I doubt I’ve worked off the calories in a stick of Carefree gum.

Date: 2 January 2015

Location: by the pool, Portsea

Some guidelines for my 2015 self to live by, with love from my ever so wise and vaguely smug 2014 self.

  1. Jumpsuits are not as flattering as you think they are.
  2. Be nice to people. And not just for the sake of being ‘a good person’ and all that lovey doves touchy feelyness. If you are mean to someone, you will end up as opposing junior lawyers on a deal and you will need a midnight power-of-attorney related favour from them — which they will refuse with relish. You will then imagine them as Jafar, hanging up the phone snickering, ‘Now where were we? Ah, yes abject humiliation!’. And then as Stewie from Family Guy, muttering, ‘There’s always been a lot of tension between her and me, and it’s not so much that I want to kill her, it’s just, I want her not to be alive anymore’.
  3. Napping is amazing.
  4. Strapless bras are not for you. You will end up trying to take in Istanbul whilst tugging up your bra every five seconds and suffering sweat pooling in unbearable places from the thick Turkish summer heat before taking it off in a public bathroom behind Hagia Sophia and going without it for the afternoon. Not appropriate ever, less so during Ramadan.
  5. Don’t let people leave boxes of Lindt chocolates at your house. You will not stop at ‘just the one’. You will eat them all. You will then run into Bunky at the supermarket a few days later: ‘yes, I’m trying to be healthier. I finally got rid of all those chocolates!’ ‘Thats good. Where did you put them?’ Shame faced– ‘In my tummy’.
  6. Trust your gut. If it’s twisting itself into knots to tell you to quit your job and go to India, then do that.
  7. Don’t re-install The Sims on your laptop. A quick dabble on a lazy Sunday afternoon will produce onscreen: 4 generations of Sim families, 2 astronauts, accidental deaths galore, lots of woohoo, outfit changes and yoga poses. Offscreen? you not having eaten or slept or gone anywhere near your yoga mat.
  8. Be careful! You are, like, super clumsy. If there’s a rock to trip on, a crevice to fall in, a root to catch yourself on, a ditch to ride your bike into while avoiding an a elephant in the jungles of Nepal then you will do this. A friendly reminder: just this afternoon, carrying a handbag full of car keys and Apple goodies, as we picked our way along the Portsea foreshore from pub to home, between coves and cliffs, you managed to take a tumble, taking a dip from waist down in white shorts. Related: don’t wear white shorts.
  9. Don’t take your iPhone out of its ugly prophylactic case. You will drop it and it will break. Put a cover on it. Practice safe text.
  10. Nothing good happens after 2am.
  11. On the other hand: always stay for one more drink. That’s when things get interesting. However, don’t stay late at what you think is an impromptu post-engagement party casual 2am gin and tonic-drinking and leftover Christmas ham-eating session with a friend and a guy but has actually turned into their second date. Or will, right after you finally leave. #awk.




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