Date: 25 September 2015.
Location: Somewhere over…France? My geography isn’t so hot. On the way to Munich. That’s right, it’s almost October so it’s time for…
I genuinely have no idea what to expect. In my head, it’s a little like the Royal Melbourne Show meets a music festival meets Christmas. I expect lots of people, a bit of chaos and much cheer.
Excited as I am, I have some genuine Octoberfest concerns. I have attempted to alleviate these by listing them out below.
- Dirndl is too tight. No room for beers. This merits a 4/10 probability only because I’m pretty confident German folk dresses are designed precisely for drinking masses of beer.
- Dirndl is too tight, cleavage situation becomes untenable or obscene. Probability of 9/10. Cleavage situation is often at risk in everyday life. Add a tight corset designed to enhance ones assets and a low cut blouse? Trouble.
- Misunderstand dirndl-tying etiquette and accidentally tie apron on wrong side, indicating that I’m ‘married’, ‘widowed’ or, worst, ‘virginal’. Probability low. Will just remember ‘left is for lucky!’
- Accidentally order one of those giant pork knuckles. 5/10 probability. I’ve already made that mistake once in 2006 and these sorts of things stay with you.
- Eat entire giant pork knuckle anyway. 5/10. If 4 happens, 5 will follow. Regrets will follow that.
- Become increasingly confident in my limited German as the day progresses. Embarrass self by mistaking the word for ‘drink’ for the weird for ‘kiss’ or worse. 9/10 chance.
- In weißbier-induced haze, misplace all my friends. Make new ones. Accidentally end up in seedy Bavarian strip club at 4am. Given the Oktoberfest stories I’ve been told of late I believe this risk merits a solid 4/10.
- After arriving Ito Heathrow at 10pm on Sunday night, will be in terrible shape for leading my 9am Monday conference call on the tax treatment of health trusts. 10/10.