Date: 25 September 2015.

Location: Somewhere over…France? My geography isn’t so hot. On the way to Munich. That’s right, it’s almost October so it’s time for…

Oktoberfest!

I genuinely have no idea what to expect. In my head, it’s a little like the Royal Melbourne Show meets a music festival meets Christmas. I expect lots of people, a bit of chaos and much cheer.

Excited as I am, I have some genuine Octoberfest concerns. I have attempted to alleviate these by listing them out below.

1. Dirndl is too tight. No room for beers. This merits a 4/10 probability only because I’m pretty confident German folk dresses are designed precisely for drinking masses of beer.
2. Dirndl is too tight, cleavage situation becomes untenable or obscene. Probability of 9/10. Cleavage situation is often at risk in everyday life. Add a tight corset designed to enhance ones assets and a low cut blouse? Trouble.
3. Misunderstand dirndl-tying etiquette and accidentally tie apron on wrong side, indicating that I’m ‘married’, ‘widowed’ or, worst, ‘virginal’. Probability low. Will just remember ‘left is for lucky!’
4. Accidentally order one of those giant pork knuckles. 5/10 probability. I’ve already made that mistake once in 2006 and these sorts of things stay with you.
5. Eat entire giant pork knuckle anyway. 5/10. If 4 happens, 5 will follow. Regrets will follow that.
6. Become increasingly confident in my limited German as the day progresses. Embarrass self by mistaking the word for ‘drink’ for the weird for ‘kiss’ or worse. 9/10 chance.
7. In weißbier-induced haze, misplace all my friends. Make new ones. Accidentally end up in seedy Bavarian strip club at 4am. Given the Oktoberfest stories I’ve been told of late I believe this risk merits a solid 4/10.
8. After arriving Ito Heathrow at 10pm on Sunday night, will be in terrible shape for leading my 9am Monday conference call on the tax treatment of health trusts. 10/10.

Love

Alex

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